Script for "College Life"

College Life: Unscripted and Uncensored (and Sometimes Intoxicated)

Erin: Hey kids, Erin and Sara here and welcome to “College Life: Unscripted and Uncensored”

Sara: And sometimes intoxicated! We hope everyone had an eventful Unofficial.

Erin: But maybe not too eventful Sar…

Sara: As some of you might know, we thought Unofficial would be the ideal opportunity to capture some of people’s most embarrassing moments

Erin: So that is just what we did. We went around with our handy little blue tape recorder and asked some of the drunkest people we could find “What’s your most embarrassing moment?”

Sara: The problem with college kids, especially those who have been drinking since 7 in the morning, tend to not be embarrassed too easily.

Erin: Luckily they were just telling us their stories and not their grandparents. So here they are folks, in all their glory…college kids at their finest.

~~~~Music Interval~~~~
Sara: Our first story comes from Tara. Tara tells us….

“We were hooking up blacked out, like always. We were apparently REALLY frisky and ended up having sex and doing other things all over our friend’s condo. Well.... we woke up ALL the roommates who heard us making, umm, "noises", and saw us having sex in the bathroom, hallway, stairway, then franks bedroom. One roommate even jerked off to my moaning. I found this all out the next week when they made fun of me for it. Now everyone knows. In detail.”

Erin: Ha wow, nice job Tara. Wouldn’t want to show my face around those friends for a while…..Our next drunken embarrassment comes from Stephanie. And sorry if I start laughing mid-story because this one is pretty good guys:

“SOOO on my 21st birthday I obviously was drinking a lot. I finished off way too much before we even left for the bars, got to Firehaus and waiting for me was my sister with a 3-wise-men shot and a rumplement. Well she had me chase the 3-wise-men with the rumplement and 30 seconds later I was puking all over their bathroom, only to get kicked out 15 minutes later. Don't remember any of this... Well my sister was taking care of me at home. I was sitting on my bathroom floor, for some reason half naked, and all of a sudden I remember my friend telling me to get up and get on the toilet because I was shitting on the floor. Literally pooped on my bathroom floor and then sat in it while I puked. And there’s more. Well all of my roommates hadn't come home yet and when they heard what I did started screaming, alerting all of my neighbors to come see what was wrong while one of my roommates was yelling "You're kidding me, she shit on the floor?!" So then they all knew. My sister had already told my parents because they called to see how I was. My other roommate Erin told her mom the next day. My mom told my Aunt. So now my entire immediate family and all my roommates, their families, and neighbors know.”

Sara: Not only is that embarrassing in the first place, but wow…to have your whole family and roommate’s families know is pretty noteworthy. Nice job Stephanie.

Erin: That one is great, I’m just glad it wasn’t me.

Sara: Yes, seriously. Well moving on, our next story comes from Tim. While interviewing Tim, who by the way was hands down wasted at this time, he told us this: “Well...one Wednesday last semester, me and my friend decided to get hammered. It was around 1 o'clock, and we started playing pong .I drank most of a 5th of rum along with 4 or 5 beers and was the drunkest I've ever been in my entire life. I passed out on the basement floor by 3pm and this is where I have no memory (except for the video someone took). My "friends" took my clothes off and wrote, "this salad won't toss itself" on my ass, and apparently I farted in my friends face while he was writing this. Then, there's this video of me running around the house naked and being dragged on a wooden floor, screaming because my dick was scraping against the floor. My friend put me to bed around 4:30 and I woke up at 9pm, puking all over myself. There is video evidence of this story, but I warn you, its me being dragged around on the ground naked and screaming, I doubt you want to see it.”

Erin: Haha Tim, you are probably right…I don’t think anyone would want to see that. So guys, as you can see we all have our embarrassing moments, some more embarrassing than others. Let us take a quick break and we’ll be right back with more, “College Life: Unscripted and Uncensored (and Sometimes Intoxicated).”

~~~Music Interval~~~
Sara: Ok, we’re back. I hope that you have appreciated all of these stories so far. I know I have

Erin: Yeah, it really makes me feel good being able to laugh at other people. But let’s keep it going with some more good ones.

Sara: Ok here’s a gem. A girl named Claire, who was visiting on Unofficial told us this one:
Freshmen year, it was one of my friends 21st birthdays and I kinda had a "thing" with him a couple of weeks earlier which ended badly. I proceeded to get extremely drunk and at midnight while everyone was singing happy birthday I went a little crazy and got out of control screaming "fuck you" repeatedly, while everyone else sang... Unfortunately, I ended up puking for hours on his front porch and popping a blood vessel in my eye, which made it bright red for a week.
That really sucks. Most people only turn red right after they get embarrassed, but you were red for a week.

Erin: Haha Yeah, I would hate having to explain that eye. Here’s one I loved while I was walking around:
Freshman year during Spring Break I went to a party with some of my high school friends and drank a lot of hard liquor. After crying into my friend's arms for half an hour, I was driven home where I puked into my pillowcase and passed out on it. I woke up to my mom staring at me, like she didn’t know whose child I was and probably thinking “what the fuck?!?” Out of concern for my soul, she offered to make me pancakes and told me she was going to go pray for me.

Sara: Ouch. Parents and alcohol don’t really mix too well.

Erin: Obvi.

Sara: But speaking of praying, listen to this one from Pat:
Going back to sophomore year, we started this underground club of competive flippy cup league. My team was absolutely awful, so of course when we challenged the quiet girls in the corner, we lost. We had to run down the street naked. I figured no one was, but I guess I was wrong. At mass the director of spiritual life brought it up in the homily. I haven’t been to mass there since.

And I’m sure they really miss you Pat…..

Erin: And finally, we saved this one for last, but definitely not least.

I work for the University and after a football game, my whole office held a tailgate to celebrate one of the women retiring, so of course, all of my bosses and their families, as well as some University bigwigs were there. I thought it would be great to get totally hammered, because I was depressed about a guy who also worked with us. I spent the rest of the tailgate calling him a fuckbag in front of everyone we both work with. Somehow, I passed out on the steps of Biefeldt, so naturally my boss and his girlfriend tried to help me home but I didn’t know where I lived. I woke up around 7 that night at his apartment, not knowing where I was, with a note from them saying that they had gone out for the night, but that I was safely in their apartment.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, in the office still talks about the night that I passed out and my boss took care of me.

Sara: Just goes to show that having a job does not equal living responsibly.

Erin: Yeah for real.

Sara: Whelp, its about that time to wrap up our show. I’m glad that there are so many other people who lead just as ridiculous lives as us.

Erin: Seriously. I’d rather hear their stories then have to tell my own. They are way too embarrassing

Sara: Yeah I know, I’ve experienced them first hand, usually with you

Erin: But join us next time for some really great ones that involve peeing on your boy friend

Sara: Perioding in a hook-ups bed.

Erin: And of course peeing on a Station doorman while he carried you out of the bar on a chair to be “delivered” home by the Geovantis delivery girl.

Sara: Ouch. Isn’t is great to be in college

Erin: I’ll say.